The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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