So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Can you bring me the toilet please
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
