hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
