We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Randomize
