Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
