So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
