How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize