Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
