well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Alive.
So much puke
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
