I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
