theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
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