and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
