so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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