forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
