We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
