I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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