I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize