Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I smell stomach acid.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
