Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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