i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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