I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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