Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
