after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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