I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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