They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i dont even know how to be here
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
