I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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