Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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