I can tuck mytits in my pants
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
