well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
