As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
