i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
