Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
