i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
