My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you inspire me to be a worse person
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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