Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
