Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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