I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Drake has all the answers
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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