Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I AM VODKA MAN
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
