Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
