dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
