Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
