Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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