Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
