you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
