No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
