From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
