I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
