as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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