I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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