he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
