i don't like sucking hair
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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