you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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