My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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