Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
