fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
