can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
