a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
