Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
